Life is... letting go and saying goodbye.

This entry goes to all the significant people of my life:

A dearest sister, the one that I looked up upon, and would always do…

A loving father – my pillar of strength, the one who regarded me as ‘daddy’s girl’ – no matter how young or old I might be…

A dearest friend, someone that I could laugh or cry with – whether it was about me or someone else, and the one who gave the word ‘luggage’ a new definition…

The love of my life, the reason for my living… and how the world would stop revolving when he’s gone… or so I thought…

A dearest younger sister – my birthday present… who would soon be leaving for Korea… ( to whom this entry is dedicated to )

Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile and leave footprints on our hearts. And we are never, ever the same.

Why is it always difficult to let go? Be it an old-aged e-mail, pieces of movie tickets for two, candy wrappers, lyrics to a sentimental love song ( no matter how stupid it may sound ), dog-eared postcards from Kuching or one from Australia… No matter how many times you pack and store them away – out of your sight therefore out of your mind – a day will come when you have the sudden urge to look at those sentimental values.

I hate what the-guy-who-used-to-be-a-special-someone did to me. Yet, I found myself – more than once – reading, crying and laughing over his e-mails and cards. My mind kept replaying the scenes when we were caught in the rain, or watching him having his hair cut at a barber’s, or listening to his off-tune singing. I miss laughing over his ‘sweat dream’ messages, most of all, I miss the way he treated me like his princess. I woke up on a Sunday morning and discovered that the time had come for me to let him go.

I disapprove of what my elder sister has done to our family, especially to our parents. Yet deep down inside, I miss her. I miss having someone whose good fashion style always inspired me to ‘borrow’ her belongings ( and only told her about it after returning her things! ). I miss having someone who could narrate the wonders of life in a boarding school that I couldn’t wait but to be in one. I miss seeing the world from her worldly and grown-up eyes ( as compared to my childlike perspective ). I miss her famous laughs… I still miss her like the day she walked out of our lives and vowed never to return. Just a few days before Muslims all around the world celebrated Ramadhan – we had to let her go.

I miss Bapak terribly. I was his spoilt-brat daughter, and would always be. The fact that he was calling for my name when he was still conscious ( and I hadn’t reached the hospital yet ) hurt. I miss teasing him regarding his old, faithful Honda Cup, or his beloved WA8402 Ford, waiting for him to fetch me from school on a cold, rainy evening, listening to the sound of his motorbike as we were watching Summer Kisses, Winter Tears or Man in the Net when we were supposed to mengaji, and lots more. I miss having him sitting at the porch, waiting for all his children to come back for the much-awaited Hari Raya celebrations or just for the weekends. June 2003 – I let him go as he took his last breath, slowly…

On letting a best friend go…Our friendship was not always a bed of roses, or seen through rose-tinted lense. We had our fair share of fights, disagreement, cold wars… We called each others names, yet sent each others cards – till Memory Lane and Hallmarks became our faithful companion. She knew that shoulder pads are a woman’s best friend, and one would have to look her best even as she was sea sick ( as the Tioman trip proved ). Coke would be the coolest drinks in the club scene and Diavola pizza tasted better especially if it was delivered with a personal note from the two coolest chefs of Wall$t. To the others, a luggage is harmless – but to us, it could be the most dangerous weapon ever invented by men especially when it hit you right on your head ( without any intention, of course ). She knew that With or Without You would always be a meaningful song to us and that You Sang to Me could either send me to tears or grin with happiness.

Either way, she was there – through the years – through all the good and bad – and would always be there for me - even after I had to let her go on a black Monday morning…

A dearest younger sister, a birthday present especially delivered by the Almighty – a blessing. She was there for me especially during one of the darkest episodes of my life - and being under the table became the most hype place to express your grievances! A fashion consultant ( though not by profession ) she is, she turns ‘muka beruk’ ( green eye shadow paired with a pair of dark-red overcoat ) into the latest, trendiest fashion icon and ‘Marilyn Monroe’ into plain Mak Mah or Pah Bedah. Planet Hollywood and Hard Rock Café are nothing as compared to the times we spent slurping hot, hot, hot tom yam at Chow Pha Raya. Without her around, my laughters would not be as loud as they are now – especially after letting go of so many people in my life…. And now, just when I thought I would be able to prevent my loved ones from slipping through my fingers, she has to go….

Sis, just wanna let you know that your footprints are here to stay.